Q:
I’m sure my boyfriend is a sex addict. We have only been dating for six months but we have sex about four out of the five nights we spend together weekly. Initially I was fine with all of this because I figured it would eventually dwindle and become less frequent as the relationship progressed. It hasn’t. To make matters worse he’s asked twice what type of porn I like. Most of the time when we have sex it is loving but sometimes he asks questions about my fantasies and what am I thinking. Two days ago I came out of the shower and caught him jerking off to porn. I felt betrayed like he was cheating on me even though I know he wasn’t technically. He didn’t even stop he just asked me to please watch. It was so disgusting!! I don’t want to leave the relationship because other than this stuff we get along great and have a fun time. We never run out of things to talk about. I feel it’s time he get some sort of help and I’m wondering if you can provide some suggestions on what I might to say to him to convince him to.
A:
I’m not sure how old you are, where you’re from, or what your cultural background may be, but from reading your letter, it seems you have a lot of maturing and learning ahead of you. How is asking what type of porn you like “making matters worse”? To me, that’s a sign you’re with a person who is yearning to learn all about you, your desires, and your erotic mind. You’ve developed an intimate relationship where these questions and this type of sexual exploration is healthy, normal, and has the potential to bring you closer. While I’m sorry you had to go through the feeling of being betrayed by walking in on him masturbating to porn, I believe your reaction is unreasonable, unacceptable, and rather extreme.
Your boyfriend doesn’t have a sex addiction. As I said in an article I wrote for GroundReport on Anthony Weiner, our celebrity-obsessed tabloid-loving culture throws around the diagnosis as if it’s some sort of common sense. Yet it’s not even classified as an official disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (AKA the bible of psychology). Furthermore, according to a recent UCLA study, “sex addiction” is not really an addiction at all because it doesn’t illicit the same neural responses in the brain as other addictions, such as drug, alcohol, and substance abuse. It’s no surprise then, that what might seem to be sex addiction to some, is really a simple matter of differing tastes—enjoying porn together, BDSM, swinging, casual sex, frequency of sex, etc. Treating the symptoms, not the so-called “addiction”, means digging past the surface to the deeper layers of why someone is behaving compulsively, or seeking out sex elsewhere in ways that can be disruptive and destructive to daily life. But enough about so-called sex addiction, because that’s not the issue here.
The problem isn’t your boyfriend. The problem is you. First and foremost, you don’t understand the broad range of human sexuality to begin with and you’re obviously not comfortable with it. That, on its own, is excusable—but the fact that you have not communicated with him honestly, is not. You went along with having sex more frequently than you wished and desired, pretending that it was in line with who you are and what you want in order to secure a relationship. That’s bait and switch, babe. Not cool.
You got into this relationship under the guise that you have equal libidos. And yet now, when you’re finally ready to speak up and be honest about who you really are and what you really want, you’re pointing the finger at him as if it’s his problem, rather than owning that it’s your inability to be honest with him—and with yourself—in the first place. A high sex drive and masturbating to porn does not make someone a sex addict and it definitely doesn’t make someone disgusting. The real betrayal in this situation is you pretending to be okay with his sex drive and the frequency of sex in your relationship, not him watching porn and getting off while asking you to be a part of that experience.
You should feel honored he is brave enough to ask you about your desires and share his kinks and likes with you, including porn. He is attempting to evolve and grow with you sexually. You said yourself, most of the time the sex is loving. It’s not like porn is the only way for him to get off. It’s not like he has to call you degrading names in order to get off. He simply seems to want a growing relationship which is not only growing in an emotional, intellectual, and spiritual way—but in a sexual way too. Evolving with your partner sexually can be just as important as evolving in other ways.
If you think seeing your partner masturbate is disgusting, you’ve got a whole heap of issues to work through and would likely be better suited to being the girlfriend of someone without such a high sex drive, erotic intelligence, and awareness. The bright side is, if you open yourself to more possibilities and start to discover your own sexuality more, you likely have a partner who is willing to explore with you to help you overcome your shame, fear, disgust and stigma regarding the human body and sex.
As of now, you are taking the easy way out by demonizing sex, rather than confronting what the real problem is here—you have a lot of growing up and maturing to do with regards to interpersonal relationships, communication, eroticism, and your own sexuality.
Good Luck!