Q:
I love my butt. I love playing with it. I do it when I masturbate. I use buttplugs. I get it waxed because I feel the sensations more without hair. That’s how much I love my butt. The problem is my wife won’t play with it. She knows I am bi. She knows I will never break our commitment and sleep with someone else. I am wild in love with her. I believe marriage is forever. I wonder if my sexuality is a threat and that’s why she won’t give me what I want. I play with her butt and she likes. I am always pristine clean. I beg her just to tease near it when we play. I beg her to stimulate the outside when she’s going down on me. She refuses. How do I get her to play with my butt?
A:
Have you ever heard that song, “I Can’t Make You Love Me If You Don’t” by Bonnie Rait? It’s the first thing that popped in my head, because my dear butt-loving man, you can’t make your wife love your butt if she don’t.
Taint gonna happen!
I am curious about how you’ve initiated conversations regarding butt play. Have you tried discussing it outside of the bedroom, like when you’re not playing and when she’s not going down on you? After all, sex is usually best talked about when you’re not in the middle of it.
Try less begging and more communicating about how you’re yearning to share this intimate sacred part of yourself with the person you love most—her. Ask her what her reservations are and what you might be able to do to help her feel empowered around this experience of shared intimacy. Might you reframe it as an erotic exploratory journey you go on together, rather than this thing you’re desperate for her to do?
I also can’t help but wonder about what other dynamics may exist between you, both inside and outside the bedroom. Is she really anti-butt, or does she actually just need the feeling of control, of holding something over your head and not giving into something you want? Why? Is she denying facing parts of herself that are scary and wrought with insecurity? Alas, a black hole I shall not go down here. Back to your hungry hole!
On the one hand, the two of you should have dived deep into this aspect of your proclivities, sexual compatibility, and her feelings surrounding your sexuality before you got married. Since it’s too late for that now, it seems you have two options ahead of you.
The first is the realization that you’re going to need to have lengthy reassuring conversations surrounding your commitment to her, your sexuality, your desires, and her insecurities around your sexuality. You may also wish to gently suggest books, readings, or courses on human sexuality so she can open her mind and see beyond her tunnel vision of the way she believes sex should be. If she plays with your butt, it will not propel you to spiral off into the arms of a man. If she plays with your butt, there is the potential for heightened erotic charge, deeper connection, and overall greater intimacy between the two of you. Butt play, when done well, can be extremely hot, clean, and satisfying for all parties involved. This option of multiple conversations over time begins as a seed you plant. Each proceeding conversation is your act of nourishing and watering the seed until one day it *hopefully* blossoms into a bootyful experience for you both. And remember, my Waxed Ass King, this option is a process not an event.
The second option is mere acceptance: Your wife may never play with your butt the way you want, no ifs ands or butts about it. 🍑
While I’m here, I just want to assure you, you’re not alone. Between conversations with my friends, contemporaries, myriad personal experiences, DMs & emails I receive on the reg, the desire for butt play is completely normal, healthy, and suuuuper common.
The prostate is the most sensitive erogenous part for many. Unfortunately, heteronormative culture has conditioned everyone to think that if they like their butt played with, it must mean they’re gay. It’s just not true!!
Sexual acts do not define your sexuality. Only you define your sexuality.
I find it nothing short of crazy how antiquated thinking of generations past, continues to perpetuate modern day scripts, thereby dictating what pleasures are deemed acceptable. Many folx are left neglecting their own needs and desires without even considering that they might like something other than heteronormative sex. SAD!
From this humble sexologist’s perspective, neglecting a prostate is akin to neglecting a clitoris. Cultural conditioning has hurt all humans because those with prostates are shamed for loving their prostates and those with clits are shamed for loving their clits. According to societal scripts, if sex isn’t for procreation and procreation only, then it’s wrong. We’re still unpacking and working through all the bullsh*t of the dark ages.
Unless of course, you’re brave and strong and willing enough to be a free-thinking individual, and do the most self-loving thing you can do—claim your pleasure as a birthright. And it sounds like you’re doing just that! My hope for you is that with time, love, nurturing, honest conversations, and an opening of her mind and heart, your wife will come around.
I’m sorry to hear of your struggle with not getting everything you want in your married sex life. No relationship is perfect. I say outside of this dilemma, if your marriage is happy otherwise, you have a lot to be thankful for.
Love,
Mal