Q:
I just moved back to my hometown after five years so I’m crashing with my brother til I find a place. I will admit he is crazy and has always been a sexual deviant. Well, for the past three weekends we’ve gone out together and pulled some hotties. I’m the more attractive one so the girls usually go after me but he somehow winds up tagging along. Don’t get me wrong we don’t cross swords or anything, but we have been banging some of the same chicks together. I know he’s not trying to do me or anything weird. I just have better game and he uses me to get in on the action.
The problem is food. The first time it was whipped cream all over this girl’s nipples. That was funny enough. The next time he squirted ketchup all over this girl’s pussy and ate it out of her out while I was face fucking her. It was so gross and I could tell he was doing it on purpose just to fuck with me. Last weekend I was vibing with a girl I could tell was really into me. We were all wasted AF and closed the bar down.
We get to her place. She and I start making out and we eventually start fucking. While I am doing her from behind, he starts smacking his cock in her face and she blows him. I finish but he doesn’t. Instead he walks over to the fridge and pulls out a jar of pickle relish. He grabs a wooden spoon and without even flinching, pops the handle end of the spoon through the relish lid without taking it off. Then he dumps pickle relish all over the spoon handle end and starts smearing it up in her butthole then rubbing the relish on himself. I was amazed she let him. She starts signaling for me to come over there. I froze. It freaked me out. He left the spoon in her butt and smacked her ass a few times then he blew a load in her face. Yesterday I walked in the apartment with my friend and we caught him jerking off with cream of mushroom soup. The box was just sitting there on the counter half full. Like why couldn’t he wait to take it to his bedroom to do his business? I am totally freaked out. I don’t want to see this shit. What the hell is wrong with him?
A:
SITOPHILIA. Contrary to what it sounds like, sitophilia is not a face sitting fetish, but rather a good old fashioned food fetish. Some people truly get off by food play and that’s perfectly fine. If that’s all that was happening here and you had innocently walked in on him with the cream of mushroom soup, I’d say don’t yuck his yum and carry on. But he’s including you in his cream pies—not just his cream of mushroom soup. Moreover, the way he’s going about it without consent is a major red flag and gets a big NOPE from me.
You see, this isn’t just sitophilia and the “problem” isn’t just food. There’s a power dynamic happening when he involves you and the person you’ve decided to hook up with. You may not be “crossing swords” or physically fucking, but he sure is mind fucking the sh*t out of you.
Getting enthusiastic consent before ramming a wooden spoon of pickle relish in a butthole is A MUST. There’s no shame in the act itself if everyone is cool and onboard. But there is great harm in doing it non-consensually and coercively.
Sodomizing someone without getting any type of consent while wasted could land both of you fools in jail. He is being selfish, cavalier, and careless as to whether he harms someone, while at the same time making you an accomplice. This guy has no self-respect and no respect for anyone else. Bro is definitely someone you should not have in your inner circle—much less your inner circle jerk.
I implore you to look in the mirror, my dear Sweet Pea-ness. What is it about this situation that is preventing you from laying down boundaries the way you lay down the pipe? I realize laying down boundaries takes way more courage than f*cking whilst wasted, but might I suggest you try it sometime? And why are you more concerned with his proclivities toward food than you are with his lack of erotic intelligence, consent, social skills, and communication in how he goes about engaging in sex? Perhaps you too, could brush up on these skills if you want to truly be your best sexual self.
Please cease all sexual activity with this person. I don’t care that he’s your brother and letting you crash at his pad. I don’t care that it’s a wild night out and a story to tell that you both hook up with the same girl. Get your own place stat. Stop getting wasted AF with this guy. In fact, stop going out with him at all. There is no good that will come out of this behavior.
BTW if I were you, I’d steer clear of eating those leftovers in the fridge.