Q:
I moved across country to start my new job about six months ago. For the first time in my life I can honestly say I feel fulfilled in my career. Our company shares one large communal space with four other small companies. A guy in one of the other companies keeps asking me out and he just doesn’t give up. The first time an ask to join him for lunch. I thought it was a friendly proposition because I was new. I had a deadline though so I told him maybe another day. Next he asked me to drinks after work. I said I was on a detox cleanse and wasn’t drinking that week. The third time he asked to go for drinks again. I told him I was too busy and I thought that would be the end. I mean how much rejection can a guy take? Sure enough after that he asked me to dinner, not once but twice. Both times I flat out said no. I made no excuses. Recently, he asked me to go to brunch over the weekend on whichever day worked for me. I looked him dead in the eyes and told him I’m not interested in going out with him. Oh but it gets worse. Someone in the office gave him my personal email address. There is no other way he could have gotten it. Now he has friend requested me on facebook, follows me on Twitter, and has sent two separate emails asking me out again. He just doesn’t stop and it’s invasive. I’m not attracted to him whatsoever. His persistence is a major turn off. But he’s not taking no for an answer. I guess I’m wondering, should I just go out with this guy, pick my nose and act psycho on our date so he’ll stop bothering me?
Tired,
Sophie
(she/her, pansexual)
A:
HELL NO!
Picking your nose, acting psycho, or even farting in public wouldn’t turn this desperado off. I am sure, however, Mr. Can’t-Stop-Won’t-Stop is banking on the fact you’ll finally cave in and go out with him. He fits the profile of many fellas who think of dating as a numbers game: ‘If I ask enough times (or enough girls), eventually I’ll get lucky.’
Caving and going out with him will only add more fuel to his obsessed-with-you psyche. Obsession is addictive, and it looks like you’ve got the drug he wants. Here are some ideas to consider that won’t require picking your nose.
- First and foremost, this is harassment. Go to HR or your boss immediately to alert them as to what’s happening. Let them know about his persistence and document all the times and ways he’s contacted you and asked you out. Tell them this situation is unacceptable, inappropriate, and that you’re uncomfortable. I understand you don’t want to rock the boat at the new job you love so much, but you absolutely need to go on record letting them know he is interfering with your productivity and feeling of security at work. Hopefully meaningful action will be taken so that you don’t have to deal with this bozo any longer.
- See if you can rearrange your seating or location in the office to be as far away from him as possible. The less frequently you run into each other, the better for you both.
- Do not accept his facebook request. Block him. And just to be on the safe side, be sure not to accept any requests from people you don’t know either. Block him on Twitter too.
- Do not respond to his emails to your personal email account. There is no reason he has any right to be contacting you there or contacting you period. Block them if you can. Even if you were to respond to him, asking him to stop contacting you is still giving him attention.
Most importantly, consider this: a man who refuses to accept no for an answer when he’s asked you out multiple times, is likely going to be the same jerk who is not going to listen or respect you when you say no or stop in the bedroom. At best, he is guilty of harassment and being an arrogant mindless prick who doesn’t listen or respect your wishes. At worst, he has the personality traits indicative of a potential rapist. While I do appreciate your humorous strategy of trying to deal with this person, remember, he has repeatedly disrespected you, your words, your time, your space, and your wishes. And that, my dear, is just unacceptable on any level of human interaction.
Lovingly,
Mal